Bloody 'ell

Tea Rat:  Rattus, will you looky there? Some bloody human set up a bloody trap to trick and kill one of our kind. Bloody 'ell.

Rattus:  Don't say "bloody" or 'ell". It's vulgar.

Tea Rat:  I know, but this issue just makes me, well...bloody mad.

Rattus:  I know. It is tragic.  Monstrous. Traps have been used in every way imaginable to persecute all the good creatures who hail from that noble stock, rodentia. In the Middle Ages, a plague wiped out a third of Europe, and who did they blame?

Tea Rat:  Rats. Of course

Rattus:  I mean, who else, right?

Tea Rat:  When you're right, you're right. You are so, sooo bloody ri...

Rattus:  And ever since then, it's been war on the rodents.

 Tea Rat:  "Ooo, Ooo. There's a rat. Let's kill it. Let's watch it suffer and die a thousand deaths. Ooo, Ooo. There's another one..."

Rattus:  In more than half a millennium -- even as humans have learned to fly to the moon and communicate instantaneously around the globe, and cure polio, and plumb the ocean depths -- things have not improved one iota for us.

Tea Rat:  One bloody iota.

Rattus:  Tea Rat!

Tea Rat:  Sorry. But I just get blo...

Rattus:  Even today, it's just more updated versions of the same old story.

Tea Rat:  Same old bloody story.

Rattus:  Then the government stepped in.

Tea Rat:  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Tee, hee, hee, hee. The bloody government. I know where this is going.

Rattus:  I mean it was bad enough when the private sector was inventing cheap consumer products to kill us. Leave it to the government to invest billions of dollars in the attempt to create the most terrifying WMD of all.

Tea Rat:  WMD?

Rattus:  Weapon of Mouse Destruction.

Tea Rat:  Bloody 'ell.

Rattus:  Exactly. And who, after all, are the humans to think themselves so above us. We know what they love the most, don't we? The fates have conspired to build a trap for them as punishment for their high crimes, right?

Tea Rat:  Fitting. Fitting indeed. And ironic. Fitting and ironic.

Rattus:  Yes. And even when they have no money, they invent new ways to satisfy their filthy habit.

Tea Rat:  Filthy. Foul, fetid, fecal even............ Ho! Wait a minute. Did you say, "Weapon of Mouse Destruction"?

Rattus:  That was like from five minutes ago.

Tea Rat:  You mean those bloody humans are trying to kill cute little mouses?

Rattus:  Mice. They are part of the rodent family.

Tea Rat:  Mouses, mice. Bloody 'ell. You mean they would try to kill Miss...Miss I can't even get myself to say it.

Rattus:  Miss Moussie. Yeah. Imagine how I feel. You know how I feel about Bebe.

Tea Rat:  Bloody 'ell.

Rattus:  Stop saying that.

Tea Rat:  That's it. I'm going to bloody well show those bloody humans what we rodents are bloody well made of. And that's the bloody truth.

Rattus:  Bloody 'ell.

Tea Party Movement

Tea Rat: I think I'm going to join the "Tea Party Movement."

Rattus: Good for you. The Tea Party Movement wants to return to so-called original interpretations of the Constitution, reduce government spending, the national debt, and of course taxes. I don't agree with everything they believe in. For example, an original reading of the Constitution would mean that African Americans would still be only "Three-Fifths" of a person. Nevertheless, it's good to see citizens like yourself availing themselves of the democratic process to bring about change.

Tea Rat: I don't know anything about that. I just love tea parties.
.
.

Rat Poetry Slam: It-All-Ends-In-2012-Mayan Calendar Edition

Text by Ruben Rivera. Art by Anita Rivera.

Tea Rat: I say, dear old sport / do think I fall short / if I asked the announcer / if I could announce, Sir?

Rattus: Why are you speaking in verse?

Tea Rat: I'm just warming up / chickadee, chip, chirrup / for soon and alas / a can of wup-arse / will be opened on thee / by none other than me.

Rattus: I think I'll go lie down for a minute.

Tea Rat to Announcer: I say my good lad / would it be in taste bad / if my voice were but lent / to announce this event?

Announcer: No. That's my job. Now I have to use the little boys room, so don't you touch anything while I'm gone.

Click!  wooomm!  Tap! Tap!

Tea Rat: Testing, one, two, three. Testing. Test. Hurrrumph! ♪ ♫ Bumble bee-hee ♪ ♫ Bumble bee-hee ♪ ♫ Bumble bee-hee ♪ ♫ Bumble bee ♪ ♫

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. A no holds barred, wear your heart on your sleeve, warm and fuzzy, "We are the World", if  loving you is wrong I don't want to be right, It-all-ends-in-2012-Mayan Calendar Edition, RAT POETRY SLAM.

As everyone on earth remembers, of the two main contestants in the last round, Rattus Scribus, despite all his valiant verbiage, simply could not hold a candle to the word-smith wizardry of the one and only Tea Rat. Tea Rat, whose every vowel and consonant were like unto the thunderbolts of the god Zeus himself. Tea Rat, whose scintillating sibilants caused poor Rattus to fall prostrate on the ground, lying in a pool of shock and awe.....

Announcer: What do you think you're doing? You're not allowed in here. Hey you, come back here. Security! Security!

LATER:

Rattus: Having a good time are we?

Tea Rat: It wasn't me.

Rattus: What wasn't you?

Tea Rat: Whatever.

Announcer: Ladieeeees aaaand gentlemeeen...

Rattus: Here we go. Good luck old thing.

Tea Rat: You too, old friend.

Announcer: ...the first of our final contestants, give it up for Tea Rat.

 Tea Rat:

Love. By Tea Rat

Love

Some say it is passion

Some say it is lust

To one it is fashion

Another it's trust
 The future that's promised
In the giving of rings
Through the wailing of tempest
To the songbird that sings
But of all of the tributes
That have ever been penned
There is none so acute
As the one called a friend
And so my dear Rattus
without further adieu
I dedicate this poem
to none other than you

Rattus: Sniff, sniff. I don't know what to say. I'm deeply touched. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, For his unexpected poem of tribute to our friendship, I concede victory to my oldest and dearest friend, Tea Rat.

Announcer: And there you have it. The winner of the Rat Poetry Slam 2012 Mayan Calendar Apocalypse Edition is, my rat and yours, Tea Rat. 

Tea Rat: Told you I'd open up a can of wup-arse on you. 

Rattus: What was that?

.

2012 Valentine Rat Poetry Slam: Round 1

--> By Ruben Rivera
Rattus Scribus Blog©
14 Jan 2012
Drawings by Anita Rivera©
---------

Announcer: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, children young and old, to the first annual world championship Valentine Rat Poetry Slam: Apocalypse Edition. Creatures from every walk of life have traveled great distances to attend this historic event. 

Some have been camping out for days, waiting, having tailgate parties.

But now, at long last, the day has arrived. Our first contestant is Rattus Scribus. Rattus describes himself as someone who loves quiet walks, cozying up with a good book by a warm fire, and a wide genre of music. He loves a dark smooth ale in a rustic pub in the company of good friends. He has written several poems including "Ode to a Wedge of Cheese". Let's give up up for Rattus. 

Rattus: Thank you everyone. I'm honored to be here. This poem is titled "Valentine Mouse". It is dedicated to heartsick lovers everywhere.

Valentine Mouse

By Rattus Scribus

I see a wee mouse

and I feel such a louse

for unless and in time

you consent to be mine

I'm undone and find nothing of worth

I see a wee mouse

in a polka dot blouse

and I feel that this lad

will most surely go mad

for begone are the joy and the mirth

And so dear wee mouse

will you come to my house

oh please say you'll be mine

my sweet mouse Valentine

else they lay me dead under the earth 

Announcer: That was "Valentine Mouse," ladies and gentleman. Let's give it up once more for Rattus.

Announcer: Out next poet is Tea Rat. Tea Rat says he hails from parts unknown. He has an advanced degree in Teaology and sells tea all over the world. His favorite time of day is, not surprisingly, tea time. He first poem was a love sonnet to a particularly wicked Earl Grey with a double infusion of Bergamot. He calls himself the Merchant of Morphemes, the Vicar of Vocab, the Sultan of Syntax, Prince of Punctuation, Dictator of Diction, the Crown Head of Compound Verbs. Give it up ladies and gentlemen for the one, the only, that Rajah of Rhetoric, the Lord of Lilting Lyrics...T-E-A  R-A-T!

Tea Rat: Yeah! Whoo...whoo...whoo!

Tea Rat: Thank you, thank you. Ok, now you're embarrassing me. Please, please, stop. I'll give you five minutes to stop that.

Announcer: OK, Tea Rat, what is the title of your poem? 

Tea Rat: I've got a few more minutes of clapping left.

Announcer: Poem?


Tea Rat: Alright. The title of my poem is "With You". It is a combination of classic love poems rendered so as to create something new.

With you

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

I haven't a clue.

But I'm so crazy about you my heart aches.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 

 No, that would take too many days. 

Let me simply say:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

 or to

...beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies

So say my eyes.

 Of this we can agree:

 If ever two were one, then surely we

and surely to this truth none opposes

They are not long, the days of wine and roses 

so

Drink to me only with thine eyes,

And I will pledge with mine

Oh, say that you will

Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be.

 For

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has make all the difference 

 With you. 

 

Announcer: The crowd is going wild. It's Tea Rat mania. 

Announcer: Well, it's up to the people now. Please send in your comments and vote for your favorite rat poem. Do you vote for Rattus, "Valentine Mouse," or for Tea Rat, "With You." Please cast your votes.

-----  
Poems (italics) in descending order by:
Shakespeare, "Romeo & Juliet"
Elizabeth B. Browning, "Sonnets from the Portuguese"
Shakespeare, "Sonnet 18"
Lord Byron, "She Walks in Beauty"
Anne Bradstreet, "To my Dearest and Loving Husband"
Ernest Dowson, "Vitae Summa Brevis"
Ben Johnson, "To Celia"
Robert Browning, "Rabbi Ben Ezra"
Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken"

2012 Rat Poetry Slam: Valentine Apocalypse Edition

By Ruben Rivera© Art by Anita Rivera©

Tea Rat: Rattus, did you hear there's going to be a Rat Poetry Slam for the best Valentine poem of 2012.

Rattus: Really? Well, I'm going to win that prize. 

Tea Rat: You mean you're going to win second prize, because someone else is going to win the first. 

Rattus: And who might that be? 

Tea Rat: Why me of course, boyo.

 Rattus: You? You couldn't rhyme two identical words. 

Tea Rat: I tell you I'm going to win the Rat Poetry Slam to prove my love for Miss Moussie. 

Rattus: I think your cheese has slid off its cracker, son. I tell you that I'm going to win that contest to prove my love to Bebe the mouse.

Tea Rat: OK let's put it to a vote. Let's ask our readers whose poem is the best. 

Rattus: You mean I'll write some Valentines poetry and you'll write some and our friends will vote for the winner? 

Tea Rat: Exactly.

Rattus: I don't know. It sounds so crude and and unromantic.

Tea Rat: Brrrauck...bauck...bauck...bauck...bauck.  Brrauck...bauck...bauck. 

Rattus: Are you implying that I'm chicken? 

Tea Rat: Brrauck. 

Rattus: Very well then, you're on. And may the best rat win. 

Tea Rat: Thank you. I will. 

Rattus: Laugh it up. We'll see who laughs last.

Tea Rat: Tee...hee...hee... 

Rattus: Ha...ha...ha 

Tea Rat: Tee...hee...hee...

Rattus: Ha...ha...ha 

Tea Rat: Tee...hee...hee... 

Rattus: Ha...ha...ha

------   

From now until Valentines Day, readers will have the chance to vote for their favorite Valentine poem from these two crazy rats. Two poems will be posted at a time. Just say in your comment which poem you like best, Rattus' or Tea Rat's. The first two poems will be posted in a few days.

"POW!" Therefore I Am

By Ruben Rivera. Art by Anita Rivera.
All copyright laws apply.

Tea Rat: Rattus, I have a question I've been meaning to ask for a long time.

Rattus: That sounds serious.

Tea Rat: It is and if I can't get an answer I'm afraid of what comes next.

Rattus: You're scaring me, son. What is it?

Tea Rat: How can I know if I exist? 

Rattus: The philosopher Decartes answered that question with the famous dictum cogito ergo sum, I think therefore I am. So the fact that you're asking the question proves you exist to ask it.

Tea Rat: I don't know. That sounds like a bunch of hocus pocus to me. Just because you think something doesn't mean it exists.

Rattus: No, no, you misunderstand. He didn't say that anything you can think of must exist. Just that thinking is evidence of the existence of a thinker.

 Tea Rat: Sure, sure, but there's just one part I still don't understand.

Rattus: What part is that?

Tea Rat: The whole part.

Tea Rat:  OW !  My arm!

Rattus: Tell me, if you don't exist, who's pain is that? 
.

Tea Party Candidate

By Ruben Rivera, Art by Anita Rivera
Rattus Scribus blog©
31 December 2011 

Rattus Scribus, Moderator: Candidate Big Pig, in the spirit of New Years can you tell us what resolutions you will make to the people?

Big Pig: That's an excellent question, Rattus. You know, I was born in a humble fifteen bedroom manor in the Hamptons without so much as an indoor swimming pool, so believe you me, I grew up knowing the value of a dollar. 

Rattus: But you didn't answer the question. 

Big Pig: Well let me put it as straight as I can, so that I'm not misquoted by my opponents later. You, me, everyone here, and everyone within the sound of my voice. I mean we're talking everyone. That's about as plain as I can say it. 

Rattus: What in the name of Tartarus are you talking about? OK, forget about New Year's resolutions. Can you give us just one good reason why we should vote for you? 

Big Pig: Look, everything that's wrong today is because of that other party, which must not be named. I mean, where is the rain when you need it? And who was responsible for leaving out the cream in my coffee? I didn't flip-flop all over the place on that one. I think the people know what's really going on.

Rattus: Sweet Saint Rodentia! 

Big Pig: I know! Right?

Rattus: Tea Rat, can you PLEASE tell us why you are running for office? 

Tea Rat: Me? Oh, I'm not running for office. I heard something about a "Tea Party". I'm here for the Tea Party. But so far I don't see any tea.

 

Happy New Year

From Rattus & Tea