2012 Valentine Rat Poetry Slam: Round 1

--> By Ruben Rivera
Rattus Scribus Blog©
14 Jan 2012
Drawings by Anita Rivera©
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Announcer: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, children young and old, to the first annual world championship Valentine Rat Poetry Slam: Apocalypse Edition. Creatures from every walk of life have traveled great distances to attend this historic event. 

Some have been camping out for days, waiting, having tailgate parties.

But now, at long last, the day has arrived. Our first contestant is Rattus Scribus. Rattus describes himself as someone who loves quiet walks, cozying up with a good book by a warm fire, and a wide genre of music. He loves a dark smooth ale in a rustic pub in the company of good friends. He has written several poems including "Ode to a Wedge of Cheese". Let's give up up for Rattus. 

Rattus: Thank you everyone. I'm honored to be here. This poem is titled "Valentine Mouse". It is dedicated to heartsick lovers everywhere.

Valentine Mouse

By Rattus Scribus

I see a wee mouse

and I feel such a louse

for unless and in time

you consent to be mine

I'm undone and find nothing of worth

I see a wee mouse

in a polka dot blouse

and I feel that this lad

will most surely go mad

for begone are the joy and the mirth

And so dear wee mouse

will you come to my house

oh please say you'll be mine

my sweet mouse Valentine

else they lay me dead under the earth 

Announcer: That was "Valentine Mouse," ladies and gentleman. Let's give it up once more for Rattus.

Announcer: Out next poet is Tea Rat. Tea Rat says he hails from parts unknown. He has an advanced degree in Teaology and sells tea all over the world. His favorite time of day is, not surprisingly, tea time. He first poem was a love sonnet to a particularly wicked Earl Grey with a double infusion of Bergamot. He calls himself the Merchant of Morphemes, the Vicar of Vocab, the Sultan of Syntax, Prince of Punctuation, Dictator of Diction, the Crown Head of Compound Verbs. Give it up ladies and gentlemen for the one, the only, that Rajah of Rhetoric, the Lord of Lilting Lyrics...T-E-A  R-A-T!

Tea Rat: Yeah! Whoo...whoo...whoo!

Tea Rat: Thank you, thank you. Ok, now you're embarrassing me. Please, please, stop. I'll give you five minutes to stop that.

Announcer: OK, Tea Rat, what is the title of your poem? 

Tea Rat: I've got a few more minutes of clapping left.

Announcer: Poem?


Tea Rat: Alright. The title of my poem is "With You". It is a combination of classic love poems rendered so as to create something new.

With you

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

I haven't a clue.

But I'm so crazy about you my heart aches.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 

 No, that would take too many days. 

Let me simply say:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

 or to

...beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies

So say my eyes.

 Of this we can agree:

 If ever two were one, then surely we

and surely to this truth none opposes

They are not long, the days of wine and roses 

so

Drink to me only with thine eyes,

And I will pledge with mine

Oh, say that you will

Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be.

 For

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has make all the difference 

 With you. 

 

Announcer: The crowd is going wild. It's Tea Rat mania. 

Announcer: Well, it's up to the people now. Please send in your comments and vote for your favorite rat poem. Do you vote for Rattus, "Valentine Mouse," or for Tea Rat, "With You." Please cast your votes.

-----  
Poems (italics) in descending order by:
Shakespeare, "Romeo & Juliet"
Elizabeth B. Browning, "Sonnets from the Portuguese"
Shakespeare, "Sonnet 18"
Lord Byron, "She Walks in Beauty"
Anne Bradstreet, "To my Dearest and Loving Husband"
Ernest Dowson, "Vitae Summa Brevis"
Ben Johnson, "To Celia"
Robert Browning, "Rabbi Ben Ezra"
Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken"

2012 Rat Poetry Slam: Valentine Apocalypse Edition

By Ruben Rivera© Art by Anita Rivera©

Tea Rat: Rattus, did you hear there's going to be a Rat Poetry Slam for the best Valentine poem of 2012.

Rattus: Really? Well, I'm going to win that prize. 

Tea Rat: You mean you're going to win second prize, because someone else is going to win the first. 

Rattus: And who might that be? 

Tea Rat: Why me of course, boyo.

 Rattus: You? You couldn't rhyme two identical words. 

Tea Rat: I tell you I'm going to win the Rat Poetry Slam to prove my love for Miss Moussie. 

Rattus: I think your cheese has slid off its cracker, son. I tell you that I'm going to win that contest to prove my love to Bebe the mouse.

Tea Rat: OK let's put it to a vote. Let's ask our readers whose poem is the best. 

Rattus: You mean I'll write some Valentines poetry and you'll write some and our friends will vote for the winner? 

Tea Rat: Exactly.

Rattus: I don't know. It sounds so crude and and unromantic.

Tea Rat: Brrrauck...bauck...bauck...bauck...bauck.  Brrauck...bauck...bauck. 

Rattus: Are you implying that I'm chicken? 

Tea Rat: Brrauck. 

Rattus: Very well then, you're on. And may the best rat win. 

Tea Rat: Thank you. I will. 

Rattus: Laugh it up. We'll see who laughs last.

Tea Rat: Tee...hee...hee... 

Rattus: Ha...ha...ha 

Tea Rat: Tee...hee...hee...

Rattus: Ha...ha...ha 

Tea Rat: Tee...hee...hee... 

Rattus: Ha...ha...ha

------   

From now until Valentines Day, readers will have the chance to vote for their favorite Valentine poem from these two crazy rats. Two poems will be posted at a time. Just say in your comment which poem you like best, Rattus' or Tea Rat's. The first two poems will be posted in a few days.

"POW!" Therefore I Am

By Ruben Rivera. Art by Anita Rivera.
All copyright laws apply.

Tea Rat: Rattus, I have a question I've been meaning to ask for a long time.

Rattus: That sounds serious.

Tea Rat: It is and if I can't get an answer I'm afraid of what comes next.

Rattus: You're scaring me, son. What is it?

Tea Rat: How can I know if I exist? 

Rattus: The philosopher Decartes answered that question with the famous dictum cogito ergo sum, I think therefore I am. So the fact that you're asking the question proves you exist to ask it.

Tea Rat: I don't know. That sounds like a bunch of hocus pocus to me. Just because you think something doesn't mean it exists.

Rattus: No, no, you misunderstand. He didn't say that anything you can think of must exist. Just that thinking is evidence of the existence of a thinker.

 Tea Rat: Sure, sure, but there's just one part I still don't understand.

Rattus: What part is that?

Tea Rat: The whole part.

Tea Rat:  OW !  My arm!

Rattus: Tell me, if you don't exist, who's pain is that? 
.

Tea Party Candidate

By Ruben Rivera, Art by Anita Rivera
Rattus Scribus blog©
31 December 2011 

Rattus Scribus, Moderator: Candidate Big Pig, in the spirit of New Years can you tell us what resolutions you will make to the people?

Big Pig: That's an excellent question, Rattus. You know, I was born in a humble fifteen bedroom manor in the Hamptons without so much as an indoor swimming pool, so believe you me, I grew up knowing the value of a dollar. 

Rattus: But you didn't answer the question. 

Big Pig: Well let me put it as straight as I can, so that I'm not misquoted by my opponents later. You, me, everyone here, and everyone within the sound of my voice. I mean we're talking everyone. That's about as plain as I can say it. 

Rattus: What in the name of Tartarus are you talking about? OK, forget about New Year's resolutions. Can you give us just one good reason why we should vote for you? 

Big Pig: Look, everything that's wrong today is because of that other party, which must not be named. I mean, where is the rain when you need it? And who was responsible for leaving out the cream in my coffee? I didn't flip-flop all over the place on that one. I think the people know what's really going on.

Rattus: Sweet Saint Rodentia! 

Big Pig: I know! Right?

Rattus: Tea Rat, can you PLEASE tell us why you are running for office? 

Tea Rat: Me? Oh, I'm not running for office. I heard something about a "Tea Party". I'm here for the Tea Party. But so far I don't see any tea.

 

Happy New Year

From Rattus & Tea 

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

By Ruben Rivera. Art by Anita Rivera

Tea Rat: Rattus?

Rattus: Yes?

Tea Rat: Do you think we'll have snow for Christmas? Christmas is not Christmas without snow. 

Rattus: You know there are many places in the world where it doesn't snow, and the people in those places still celebrate Christmas. So in fact, Christmas can be Christmas without snow.

Tea Rat: Rattus? 

Rattus: Yes? 

Tea Rat: Does it snow here?

Rattus: Of course.

Tea Rat: Rattus? 

Rattus: What is it?

Tea Rat: Do you think we'll have snow for Christmas? Christmas is not Christmas without snow. 

Happy Goosegiving

 Ruben Rivera©

Rattus: Hoy, Tea Rat. What's that you're hiding behind you?

Tea Rat: Hiding? Me? I'm not hiding anyth...

Rattus: Is that a turkey? Why are you hiding a turkey behind your back?

Tea Rat: It's not a turkey. He's uh, Mr. G-Gobble. Y-Yeah, that's it. Mr. Gobble from way out in Left Field, come to visit us here in Nowhere for Thanksgiving. He's a second cousin twice removed on my father's side.

Rattus: You're a rat. He's a turkey. That's not quite right...

Tea Rat: Well, you know my old da. Quite the ladies rat.

Rattus: It's not a question of your da's tastes. How can I put this? "Turkey and rat cannot begat." What's really going on here?

Tea Rat: Oh, alright. I met ol' Goose here...

Rattus: A turkey named Goose?

Tea Rat: Yeah. You see, I met ol' Goose here in a store window. He looked so friendly that I went in to say hello. Then that's when he told me.

Rattus: Told you what?

Tea Rat: That he was going to be someone's dinner. That he was going to the feather factory, the last round up, toe-tag-town...

Rattus: Toe-tag-town?

Tea Rat: You know, that his goose was cooked.

Rattus: Ah, hence the name Goose.

Tea Rat: No. that just happens to be his real name.

Rattus: Go on. Did you ask the store owner to set him free?

Tea Rat: Not really, no.

Rattus: Then you paid for him and brought him home?

Tea Rat: Not exactly.

Rattus: Oh, sweet Saint Rodentia. Don't tell me...

Tea Rat: I couldn't just stand by and watch Goose get gobbled. So naturally I grabbed him and ran. Rattus, uh, one more thing...

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

Rattus: Let me guess?

NPD: This is the Nowhere Police Department. We're going around the area looking for a fugitive turkey and his rat accomplice. Is there a turkey in there?

Rattus: No, sir. We only have a goose.

Knock, Knock

Knock, Knock!

Tea Rat: Who's there?

Rattus: It's me, Rattus.

Tea Rat: Rattus who?

Rattus: You know, Rattus. Live here. You're oldest and dearest friend. Rattus.

Tea Rat: If it's Rattus, why are you knocking to get into your own house?

Rattus: Because some boob -- who for the moment shall remain nameless -- locked me out while I was taking a morning walk.

Tea Rat: Prove that you're really Rattus.

Rattus: Let's try this again.

KNOCK, KNOCK!

Tea Rat: Who's there?

Rattus: ♪ ♫ It's me-ee. ♪ ♫ Rattus ♪ ♫ 

Tea Rat: Rattus who?

Rattus: Rattus - I'm-going-to #^@* kick-you-so-hard-you'll-be-wearing-your-arse-for-a-hat-if-you-don't #^@* let-me-in-this-minute - that's #^@* who.

Click!

Tea Rat: ♪ ♫ Come in. ♪ ♫ 
.
.......... 
Art by Anita Rivera© Text by Ruben Rivera© 6 Oct 2011

Shake(speare), rattle and roll

 

From the ancient mists of time

where dwelt the sages way,

the bard of all bards plied his rhymes

that took our breath away.

His words the brush on paper canvas

painted tales in august hues:

of Eden's sweet green innocence, alas

with blood-red guilt we came to lose.

But heaven intervened and sure

with message from above,

 that deep within us lies the cure,

in faith and hope and love.

.....

Rattus! Oh, Rattus! Humm, he left his desk.

Now what has he been up to? Hmmm. 

♪ ♫ From the ancient mists of time

where dwelt the sages way ♪ ♫

♪ ♫ the bard of all bards plied his rhymes

that took our breath away ♪ ♫....

-------- 

Text by Ruben Rivera©

Art by Anita Rivera©