He Was A Good Rat.

Ruben Rivera's Rattus Scribus Blog©

Rattus: Tea Rat, what are you doing?

Tea Rat: I'm writing my obituary. I was reading the newspaper obituaries and they're not very exciting. No plot. No foreshadowing. No hero's quest. No rising action, climax, or falling action, no conflict or resolution. When I die, I want to make sure the newspapers get my obituary right.

Rattus: You just mentioned parts of fictional literature. An obituary is a simple public notice of someone's death with a few factual highlights of their life.

Tea Rat: It doesn't have to be boring does it? It's not enough that I'll be dead, the summation of my life has to be dead too? We want meaning, drama, characters that a reader cares about, irony, literary panache. The reader should be in tears when they're done, emotionally spent, unable to take any more.

Reepicheep, Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawntreader

Rattus: Alright. Let's hear the obituary you have created for yourself.

Tea Rat: "He was a good rat."

Rattus: That's it?

Tea Rat: What do you think? Why, Rattus, you're crying.

Rattus: I'm emotionally spent. 

Tea Rat: Well, whaddaya know. It worked.

"Blessed are the cheese-makers."

Rattus: Please stop. I can't take any more. 
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Happy Goosegiving

 Ruben Rivera©

Rattus: Hoy, Tea Rat. What's that you're hiding behind you?

Tea Rat: Hiding? Me? I'm not hiding anyth...

Rattus: Is that a turkey? Why are you hiding a turkey behind your back?

Tea Rat: It's not a turkey. He's uh, Mr. G-Gobble. Y-Yeah, that's it. Mr. Gobble from way out in Left Field, come to visit us here in Nowhere for Thanksgiving. He's a second cousin twice removed on my father's side.

Rattus: You're a rat. He's a turkey. That's not quite right...

Tea Rat: Well, you know my old da. Quite the ladies rat.

Rattus: It's not a question of your da's tastes. How can I put this? "Turkey and rat cannot begat." What's really going on here?

Tea Rat: Oh, alright. I met ol' Goose here...

Rattus: A turkey named Goose?

Tea Rat: Yeah. You see, I met ol' Goose here in a store window. He looked so friendly that I went in to say hello. Then that's when he told me.

Rattus: Told you what?

Tea Rat: That he was going to be someone's dinner. That he was going to the feather factory, the last round up, toe-tag-town...

Rattus: Toe-tag-town?

Tea Rat: You know, that his goose was cooked.

Rattus: Ah, hence the name Goose.

Tea Rat: No. that just happens to be his real name.

Rattus: Go on. Did you ask the store owner to set him free?

Tea Rat: Not really, no.

Rattus: Then you paid for him and brought him home?

Tea Rat: Not exactly.

Rattus: Oh, sweet Saint Rodentia. Don't tell me...

Tea Rat: I couldn't just stand by and watch Goose get gobbled. So naturally I grabbed him and ran. Rattus, uh, one more thing...

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

Rattus: Let me guess?

NPD: This is the Nowhere Police Department. We're going around the area looking for a fugitive turkey and his rat accomplice. Is there a turkey in there?

Rattus: No, sir. We only have a goose.

Knock, Knock

Knock, Knock!

Tea Rat: Who's there?

Rattus: It's me, Rattus.

Tea Rat: Rattus who?

Rattus: You know, Rattus. Live here. You're oldest and dearest friend. Rattus.

Tea Rat: If it's Rattus, why are you knocking to get into your own house?

Rattus: Because some boob -- who for the moment shall remain nameless -- locked me out while I was taking a morning walk.

Tea Rat: Prove that you're really Rattus.

Rattus: Let's try this again.

KNOCK, KNOCK!

Tea Rat: Who's there?

Rattus: ♪ ♫ It's me-ee. ♪ ♫ Rattus ♪ ♫ 

Tea Rat: Rattus who?

Rattus: Rattus - I'm-going-to #^@* kick-you-so-hard-you'll-be-wearing-your-arse-for-a-hat-if-you-don't #^@* let-me-in-this-minute - that's #^@* who.

Click!

Tea Rat: ♪ ♫ Come in. ♪ ♫ 
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Art by Anita Rivera© Text by Ruben Rivera© 6 Oct 2011

Such a Deal!

Text by Ruben Rivera. Art by Anita Rivera.

Tea Rat: Someone tried to cheat me at the market today, but I showed them.

Rattus: What do you mean?

Tea Rat: Well, I wanted to buy a box of tea, so I asked: How much is this tea? The grocer responded: Two boxes for 5 bucks.

Rattus: Yeah, and then what?

Tea Rat: Then I held a box in each hand and showed him the left one and asked: How much for this one? He answered: 3 bucks. So I said: I'll take other one.

Rattus: Such a deal!

True Riches.

Rattus & Tea Rat's Witsend Cottage

by Anita Rivera©

Rattus: What did you do this week?

Tea Rat: Well after I worked selling some of my tea to make a living, I read, wrote poetry, did some gardening, did volunteer work, got together with friends, and went on walks.

Rattus: Sounds nice.

Tea Rat: I also met this rich person. He told me that I was wasting my time and that I should take my little tea business and turn it into a global enterprise.

Rattus: Why?

Tea Rat: Because then I could expand and open up tea shops everywhere.

Rattus: Why?

Tea Rat: Then I could beat my competitors by cutting out the tea growers and have my own tea farms, and manufacturing plants, and distribution centers, and franchise stores and go straight to tea consumers myself.

Rattus: Why?

Tea Rat: Because then I could offer an IPO and the stock proceeds will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams.

Ratttus: Why?

Tea Rat: Because then I can retire.

Rattus: Why?

Tea Rat: Because then I can read, write poetry, do some gardening, do volunteer work, get together with friends, and go on walks.

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Truth in Advertising, Pt 2: A Pictorial

 

"Our enormously productive economy demands that we make consumption our way of life. That we convert the buying and use of goods into rituals. That we seek our spiritual satisfaction, our ego satisfaction, in consumption." (Victor Lebow)

Tar and nicotine smoke is

good for anything that ails you.

Above: Rice Krispies, Activia yogurt, Mini Wheats, and POM:

The FTC exposed these companies for making unproven claims that their products help prevent cancer, lower blood-pressure, improve your attention span, strengthen your immune system, and add years to your life.

They should call these cookies, "Mrs. Cheaply's"

Doesn't the above transformation require the reorganization of matter

at the sub-atomic level?

A little Dermitage creme and the laying on of hands

in the name of the Lord goes a long way.

Oops, we mean May 21, 2012

"My what big pockets you have."

Reality TV? Plato is turning over in his grave.

Keep believing.

Truth in Advertising

By Ruben Rivera©

OK, I know that advertisers are known for stretching the truth. But surely we can agree that the above skincare ad goes way beyond that to criminally lying?

I've heard of cremes that promise to "smooth and reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles". But are we really expected to believe that woman on the right side of the picture was once the Melting Maniac on the left.

Look at her. She looks like the Wicked Witch of the West AFTER Dorothy threw water on her. Doesn't this kind of transformation require, like, the reorganization of matter at the sub-atomic level?

And give me a break. Are they really claiming that their creme can heal blindness too. Look at the side-by-side picture of her eyes! Wouldn't that require, you know, God?

Hey, I just thought of something. We should rub some of this creme on the creators of this ad. Maybe they'll be cured of blindness too.